Oh hey twenty nineteen.

It’s funny starting off this post bc 1.its been a while and 2. I thought that after my 25th bday i was going to be way more active on here. For starters… I am not OCD but I hate odd numbers in multiple aspects of my life (maybe I’ll expand on that later). Every time I have turned an odd number (age), i have mentally prepared for a bad year (like I literally despise birthdays bc of how much I reflect on the past and expect for the next) . WELL 24 sucked ass so bad that i thought “maybe it’s the odd years that suck and not my odd ages”. Soooo, when I turned 25 I was determined to make it the best ever. I documented every day of my first month of 25 and posted it on insta and fb and thought to myself that I was going to do this every month just to prove to myself. Well… October slowly started turning down and then November and then December. I soon realized that I needed to stop fixating on all of these dumb external things that have nothing to do with me and actually focus on myself. I’m literally at a point in my life that I never thought I would be at as a 25 year old but I still have such an amazing support system. My family and friends have stood by me way more than I could ever imagine. I truly have no idea what my next move is in my life but I am not as scared as I have been in the past mostly because of who I am surrounded by everyday. I am not a mushy person (AT ALL) so even this is hard to write but I keep reminding myself how therapeutic writing is and how much it has helped me in the past so I guess my one New Years resolution (I said I wasn’t going to do any) is to keep this dumb blog updated. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

xo

Update

Hi, it’s been a while since I posted on here and I’ve been itching to post some things that I have written but didn’t feel comfortable sharing yet, so instead I’ll just write a quick little update. First, here are the answers to a few questions that I’ve been getting a lot lately:

Are you okay? I’m more than okay. Everyone has bad days and meh days, but overall I am more than great!

Are you dying? Technically, we are all dying (lol)…but as far as I know, I am no where close to that yet.

Are you happy? Happiest I’ve ever been.

Are you on drugs? Other than what I have been prescribed by my medical doctor, no I am not.

I don’t mind these questions (for the most part) because I would rather clear things up instead of people thinking other things or making up what they think is the truth. I am a straightforward person and I prefer for people to be straightforward with me as well, but I understand that not everyone is this way.

In closing, please remember to not judge mine or other people’s lives by what you see on social media. I may be posting a picture from a vacation two years ago or from my brother’s wedding from a day before. There is no secret or hidden agenda. We never know what another person is going through, pls remember that. If you are curious though, ask that person and if they’re open about it, then you may get your answer that you’ve been looking for.

Happy Election Day!!!

xo

sensitivity 

This is a topic that is very sensitive to me. I feel as if sensitivity is thought of as a negative characteristic which is just so so wrong in my opinion. Sensitivity is often due to a previous experience and because of this, I feel that is never mine (or anyone else’s) job to judge whether someone is being too sensitive or not. It is very similar to pain in that it is simply something that an outsider cannot measure, so instead we should just trust how that person is feeling.
There are multiple reasons why this is an important topic for me. If you think about it in a simplistic way and someone seems like they are being overly sensitive about something, just pause and think about how they must be reacting this way for a certain reason. I often realize that it may seem to others that I may be overreacting for something so simple even though I know the exact reason why I feel a certain way which causes me to “overreact”. 

I am continuously affected by daily events that occur across our nation or even our world. I never expect people to feel so passionately about these things as I feel, but I also don’t expect people to tell me to “not be so sensitive”. If I write or post about things that offend you, then you can simply unfollow me. I use my platform to post about how I feel about current events as well as just my opinions in general. I am more than willing to have a respectful conversation of conflicting ideas with anyone and everyone. We can not expect everyone to agree with us but instead just hope for some respect and understanding of where we are coming from.

I am not trying to convince you to feel a certain way politically, emotionally, or educationally. Instead, just try to take an extra second to have a better understanding of where the other person is coming from. You may have opposing opinions, but just spending the time to listen and have a better understanding of an opposing view may help you more than you would expect. 

xoxo

melissa
 
 

im not sorry.

In my opinion, “sorry” is one of those words that is often used unnecessarily. I am guilty of doing this more often than I would like. I find myself constantly apologizing for some of my most prominent personality traits or apologizing for things that are completely out of my control. I understand that saying “I’m sorry” can convey different meanings and show that you understand that the other person may have been hurt or offended by something that you did, but I don’t feel like this is how it is always used. Sometimes when I meet new people, I will preface many of the things that I do with this phrase and it has slowly started to irritate me.

“I’m sorry, I just really love my job..”

“I’m sorry my voice is a bit raspy because I tend to talk a lot…”

“I’m sorry, I know I may have a lot of energy…”

“I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling up for it today…”

The thing is though, I’m really not sorry for these things. I absolutely love my job and feel so blessed to have found a career path that fulfills me in more ways than I could ever imagine. It makes me extremely happy when people express interest in hearing about my job, why I have chosen my particular path to get to where I am today, and my future plans. I understand that not everyone wants to hear all of this so I try my best to be aware and only share what I feel wants to be heard.

I tend to talk a lot because I always have so many things on my mind and love to share how I feel about different topics and current events, but I am fully aware that this can be too much for people. I also love hearing other people’s perspectives and I try my best to make sure to actively listen, especially considering that they most likely just listened to me blabber on about whatever was on my mind.

I have always had an excessive amount of energy. I don’t need much sleep even when I have a full, busy day ahead of me. Sitting still for long periods of time can drive me crazy (one of the many reasons that I knew a “desk job” would never work for me). I know how to channel my energy in productive areas of my life in order to not overwhelm others and prevent myself from feeling anxious when I know that I will have to sit still for a four hour class.

Along with having a majority of my days filled with more than enough energy, I also have my days where I just feel both emotionally and physically wiped out. Everybody has these days, so why should I feel that I need to apologize?

Over-apologizing for things that we aren’t even actually sorry for, takes away from the whole point of the word. I hate saying sorry for my own personality because I am really not sorry. If you do not like me, that is okay. I would rather save “sorry” for times that I am actually sorry for something that I did or for how someone may be feeling due to unwanted circumstances.

xo

 

 

Timing

Well hello again! First, I want to explain why I took such a long, unplanned break. My original plan was to write at least once a week in order to reflect on how clinicals, class, externship, work, and my personal life were going at that moment. About four weeks into my final semester, I realized I had WAY too much on my plate and that I was getting upset with myself for not taking the time to write and reflect. The thing was that I just didn’t have time to reflect on my own when I already had assignments to reflect on 2 different clinicals and my externship each week. I decided to delete the app that I used to check on this and delete the link in my instagram and Facebook bios in order for me to have just ONE less thing to have to worry about. Fast forward to today, and I realized how important reflection is to me and my sanity and how writing on here is a perfect way to get back in the habit. So here we are at my welcome back blog post.

It’s still so hard for me to believe that in the last six months I have graduated with my Bachelors of Science in Nursing, accepted an offer for a job that I felt way too under qualified for, passed the NCLEX, and actually started my job as a full fledged (new grad) Registered Nurse. I absolutely love where I am right now in my life but with all these recent changes, my own health issues started to surface and I decided to not just push my own mental and physical health to the side. Nurses are known to be the worst patients because we tend to put our own health on the back burner and I didn’t want to get stuck in that stereotype. I’m still figuring out what exactly is going on and the whole process of unknowns and new discoveries can be quite stressful. In the past when I felt over stressed, I tended to just pull away from whatever was causing the stress. More often than not, this resulted in more stress for obvious reasons. I didn’t want this to happen anymore and I wanted to finally kick this habit away for good. I have decided to just keep taking care of myself and everything that is happening, but also I have continued to actively remind myself to prioritize my responsibilities so that I focus on the more important things in a more timely manner. This whole “adult” thing is, no joke, a serious learning process. I know that my parents and siblings will always be there to help me if I’m in a rut, but nobody actually wants to resort to asking for help. We all just want to be successful- in our careers AND in our personal lives. It’s crazy how common sense so many of these things seem to be yet not as easy to do on a daily basis. If you’re not truly aware of your decisions and how you do certain things almost as second nature, you may actually be hurting more than helping yourself.

I feel extremely lucky to be surrounded by such an amazing support system. Not only are my parents, my brother, my sister, their significant others, my boyfriend, my friends and all of my extended family so supportive of me, but also my new colleagues and management have already proven to be truly amazing people.

Timing is seriously a crazy thing if you really think about it. xo

f.p.

I have had a lot of people ask me about my reason behind raising money for the American Heart Association’s Heart Walk, so I decided to explain here for those who would like to know. Ever since my Nonno passed away a few years ago, I wanted to get involved in volunteering or any sort of participation with the American Heart Association. He passed away at the beginning of my second semester of college and I was so angry with myself for choosing to go to college so far away. Almost all of my family was able to spend his last days with him, which made me feel like my decision was so selfish. I had talked about my guilt about this with some people and they shared with me different was of coping with this type of guilt. Somebody mentioned getting involved in an organization or charity that would help those that are affected by similar health problems as my Nonno. After looking into a few different organizations, I decided I really wanted to get involved with the AHA. Unfortunately without a car and such a busy school schedule, I wasn’t able to attend any of the nearby events and then the idea got lost in the hustle and bustle over the years. This past summer I received an email about the annual Heart Walk and so I decided to start a team. Especially considering my Nonno is one of the main reasons I decided to go into nursing, I felt it was fitting to do something big in honor of him as I finish my last semester of the program. If you would like to join or  donate to my team, you can do so here. But if not, just remember to always be grateful for the time you’ve spent with the loved ones you’ve lost and to not dwell on times you missed out on! XOXO

Jitters

No matter how prepared I am or how many times I check and recheck that I have everything I need for the first days, I can not help but feel nervous. I know everybody gets the back to school jitters in some shape or form. The way that I experience it literally makes me feel like a whole different person for days. I hate the way it makes me feel and it’s very similar to the way I feel when I get anxious about any thing else in general about life. It gets so bad that I will even wake up in the morning before my first day of each clinical or lecture for the first week and my heart is already racing and I feel out of breath. I can’t pinpoint an exact reason for why I get so nervous. It’s not like anything happened to me growing up during my first weeks of school over the years to traumatize me. It’s one of those things that feels completely out of my control, which drives me even crazier. Almost as if I’m afraid that I will make a mistake equivalent to when I scored the first basket during a sixth grade summer basketball league game…for the other team :{ I constantly fear that my alarm won’t wake me up, that I will drive to the wrong hospital site, that I will come to class or clinical with all the wrong things, that I will completely forget how to do a simple drug calculation, that I will just do anything that will make me look like a failure. I am eventually able to talk myself down from all these thoughts and then I get to the point where I feel so silly for ever thinking any of this. Everybody makes mistakes so I have to be able to accept that I can make mistakes as well-no one is anywhere near perfect (including me and you!) and I know that. As long as I know that I have done everything I can to prepare for whatever is ahead of me, I need to feel content that I have done the best that I can and that I am also able to work with any unknowns. We can al do this! One thing I’ve heard over and over again during my nursing program is how important it is to be flexible and be able to adapt to different situations. Especially in nursing, we can’t always know what to expect next so it is important to be on our toes at all times. Working as a nurse assistant has reinforced this idea each day I step into the hospital. No two days have ever been the same. Just remember that you can accept any challenge that comes your way even if you don’t feel totally ready, there is always somebody nearby to lend a helping hand or some helpful advice. XO